There it was, right in front of me and yet I still could not grasp the entire concept. He kept teaching me the meaning of forgiveness, and a type of love one that does not mean you want them in your life, only a love that does not allow rage and hatred to rule.
Finally I understand some things that were being taught to me. I find it very humbling when I see my actions can not only create but also almost destroy. Humbling when destruction was not the intended purpose and unfortunately even though I understood the words being said to me, I did not see until today that my actions were out of vengeance and retaliation.
I feel at the time, my ego and pride were too strong, so out came the retaliation and vengeance. I have been thinking all this time I needed to defend myself for all that is said against me, when in reality I knew they were not true. Yet even thinking of someone bad mouthing me, made me blind with vengeance. In actuality all I want is to be left alone, in love, peace, and happiness! So when I lashed back, it produced even more negativity. It did not just go towards me, yet it brought negativity to my love as well. I am but a reflection of my partner and this time, I did not shine by any means. Which I don’t think I planned on any of this to begin with.
Just a few simple thoughts of my partner and how it would affect him, I would not have said the things I did.
Maybe I’m no better than she. After all, my words did produce a negative reaction much like the negative the lies and hatred spread about me did. It has me thinking now. Maybe since I have said and done worse than her, as everything I said lead her to lash back yet bringing others into the situation as well. I really am just as bad if not worse. It’s got me thinking that’s all.
All I had to do was tuck my ego away and allow her to destroy herself as she’s good at that. I haven’t done anything that put too much damage towards my relationship yet I could have, I could have lost it all and that is humbling to me.
Yet if I could have only stopped the retaliation, the at the time justified words from coming out, certain circumstances would not have happened.
Yes. That is what I am doing now. Reflecting on my actions that could have messed it all up. If I would have just listened or even got the full effect of the words being said to me, it would not have happened the way it did.
And I’m not so sure I didn’t say any of things without intent to hurt her. That does make me a bad person. I may have wanted to hurt her as bad as she had him. Make her suffer due to the suffering he felt because of her years of torture.
This could have, and should have been avoided all together. My tongue is sharp when it needs to be. Learning to control it, that is my hardest goal.
Even though I felt the need to defend myself and my love at the time the hurt I caused is one of the same result. The hurt! Still does not justify what I had did, not to me.
It will pass I now learned a grave lesson that was trying to be taught to me by my love. I sure am glad I have such a supportive love in my life, and a best friend to guide me on this journey. Looking back, I was not the victor. I was just a woman caught up in an emotional battle to which I should have walked away from. I am better than that, I know I am!