I have a feeling I am not going to be sleeping tonight. Although my eyes are heavy and my body is weary, the thoughts racing in my mind are too much to bare. It’s just over! Just like that, he ended what I believed at one point was a soul mate union. I don’t know, maybe that’s the reason why it ended, because he had created too much for me to doubt. Maybe I put him to high on a pedestal and he felt he couldn’t live up to my dreams of what he could and should become. Perhaps he was too comfortable with being miserable that when he had a small taste of true happiness, he ran. Another thing could be I felt too much. My emotions were to passionate and he did not know what to do with a personality so equal to his own.
There was a time, in the beginning that we shared a bond that was unbreakable. He swore there was no woman that could compare to how he held a relationship in such high regards. How no woman could ever feel as he did when it came to unconditional love. And then he put conditions on what we had. I did not want this to end, I have not made any remarks on wanting to leave since that one unfortunate night. I wanted us to survive. I wanted us to beat all the odds that were stacked up against us, and yet he crumbled with one real argument. It was our very first real argument in the 8 months of battling everything thrown at us. I giggle at what he had remarked one time. He said he was worried that our first fight I would end the relationship and not want to repair the damage for what we had. I would be the one to run, and he has in fact done the very thing he was afraid of. Our first fight, he called it quits.
The words ring loud in my ears. He stated I was like all the others, and this is not the first time he has said this to me. He said that I better start communicating or we should just end it, no messaging, no emails making up, and just disappear from one another. I yelled and said he always did that, always so quick to jump to ending it. He called me an asshole. I told him to go fuck himself after he said I was just like all the other women that failed him. He got even more mad and said so that’s it “fuck me”, you have anything else to say. When I told him no, he said good night which was more of a goodbye. More than anything I have ever heard him voice before. So here I am, awake and still trying to figure out why it happened the way it did.
I have made a decision, I know I am not at all like the others who have failed him. Since he wanted this to end and said he wants me to disappear, I shall do just that. I will not message him, I will not email him to try and get him back. No that is how all the others acted. To this day one of the women he tried to kill himself over still texts him every day. I warned him that if he threatened to go or end it again, that is how it will be. Obviously if he didn’t want out he wouldn’t say it as much as he did. I am not like any other female on this planet, I try my hardest to keep a relationship worth keeping but when its over, I am done with it all. I do not look back or try to reconnect, I just simply grieve for a bit and move on with my life. That is how I have always been and how I shall remain.
I sure will miss him though and I will never be able to love again. I gave him the very last ounce of love I could give to a man, so with him leaving so does my ability to love.