I sit here thinking of you as usual. After you left me, we sat and talked about our plans. Actually talked about why this is so important for the both of us. On your end, this separation has to happen because what you are giving to me in our relationship is not what I deserve, you said it and I’ve said it. Your inability to determine exactly who it is you wish to be with has been a strain on us since day one. The confusion between the 2 is ever prevailing at an emotional level. She is no good for you and you know it yet because of me and how much I have built you back to your former glory, you get it confused with needing her. You cannot separate that love you have with me from giving it to the vile human you thought you had it for.
The hole is still there even though we have talked on the phone late most nights. It’s the days and not talking or checking in or sharing it with you that hurts the most. It seems like you are so far away, not real, like a dream I had to wake up from and it hurts me. I don’t want to get out of bed most days and yet if I don’t my responsibilities will go undone, so I get up. The days are sad, the nights are now worse, they are cold. Cold, dark, with no voice to keep away the nightmares, no heavy breathing to stifle the silence. I don’t ever want to sleep anymore and yet at the same time, I do not want to take part in real life. I’m scared that either you will never come back, you will come back yet be just a friend, or that I myself will not allow you to enter my world as you were before. The third is what worries me the most as the pain creeps away and the hole grows. Will you be able to fill it again? Will I want you too? I hope this works and this really is for the best, like everyone keeps telling me, only time will tell.
The days are getting harder for me. Not having contact with you is almost more than I can bare, only seeing and speaking to you at night. I went from having as much time as we possibly could to hardly having any at all which is driving a wedge between us, or that is how it feels to me. I no longer feel that when you say you love me it comes from your heart, more of a business transaction. As if you were at the grocery store and told the clerk to have a nice day. Not exactly meaning it wholeheartedly yet saying it because it’s the normal thing to do. This time and distance from you is hurting me in its entirety and although it is needed, I cannot push away the thoughts I have. They tell me one of us will not feel the same intense emotional bond as we once did. Either you or I will walk out of this so unattached it will harm our relationship. I could be wrong. I am hoping I am wrong. I have invested so much of my time into this I may not recover if we do not return to one another. You have given me so much of your true self I am grateful yet at the same time, I miss you! I miss your loving words of encouragement, your kind words of romance and love, and your sweet language of our sacred bond.
You are still here, you have never really left, only created distance to which you need in your journey. I understand all of this yet it does not make it easy for me. I know what I am in your life, or at least I have fond thoughts of what I hope I am. In my eyes I am your serenity so that when we are apart you can call upon me and find peace. This makes me feel good about us, as I feel like I am helping in a small way. It is funny just last night I was thinking out loud and spoke it, however, it did not generate the response from you I thought it would. We used to fall asleep together every night since that awlful day in November. We would talk for hours online and end our night togehter listening to one another breath, made me feel like we were together even though we were states apart. On May 25th you took that away and for a few weeks I could barely sleep. I would stay up until extreme hours of the morning finally passing out due to exhaustion. The nightmares that crept into my mind were grinding at my thoughts during the days and my once peaceful sleep turned into an activity I hated. Sir you know of what I speak as one time in particular ended with me in such a fright. We had chatted as usual for a while online and I had pulled a rather long day at work so I opted to go to bed while you stayed up to keep chatting with your friend/brother. We said our good nights and I went to bed. About 2 hours later I messaged you in a panic due to just waking from a horrifing nightmare. A nightmare that felt so real I could taste, smell, see color, and every expression on faces, it was terribly frightening for me. You left your call and came to me immediantly to ease my panic and worry. You waited until I feel asleep