The worries and fears I have greatly affect my thoughts these days. I am trying to believe and hold close to my dreams of the future and yet I seem to ask myself why bother? It looks bleak and dreary most times I try to envision it. Or at least that’s how it is now. When I concentrate on what I dream of and the way I would like for it to turn out, I cannot see it any longer. It is so far gone, I need it back it is what used to keep me going, the promise of a happy life. It wasn’t always like this though, there was a time I was genuinely happy…..
From the end of December 2016 until the end of January 2017, for a whole month I believed I had found my soul mate and ride or die man. He was everything I could hope for and yet so much more. The man was troubled yes and had a dark past yet that didn’t bother me, I saw what a great man he was and how much he had grown away from negativity. It amazed me how much he had been through and yet he was still here, still trying to find a love that he could count on. That was exactly what I was looking for, a love that meant more than just flowers and date night, a love that had no boundaries or conditions. I believed I had found that in him, a man I will call Sir throughout my writings.
Sir is wonderful! He is attractive and humorous. Hard to find both in a man. Sir has so many qualities that just aren’t usually found all wrapped up in one guy. He’s intelligent, interesting, a great conversationalist. He cares about how his partner feels and tries to understand what their perceptions are. Sir can make a cloudy day go away and replace it with the sun, he can make a woman feel like she is the only one left on this planet. He adores her, takes care of her wants and needs and isn’t afraid to tell her his. Sir is the most passionate man I have ever met and believe me I have met plenty. He speaks with conviction and doesn’t back down from his beliefs. Sir is a most inspiring man full of hope, kindness, and salvation. As I said, all I could want in a man and more! I was happy, truly and honestly happy that he found peace within me. I felt loved and cared for. It felt almost as if parting from me would break his very soul, I knew it would mine, they had melted together the first night we met.
It was a cold November night, outside on the porch as I waited for him to arrive. And when he did, I could barely contain myself. I was filled instantly with excitement. He pulled me close and kissed me. Oh lord the kiss! I don’t know how I managed to walk after that. He held me tight in his arms and kissed me with all the love, passion, and yearning he felt. The kiss shook the ground we stood on and my knees went weak. He had to make me lean on him as he was not finished with his embrace yet. He kissed me long and lovingly until he turned it into desire and passion. I could feel his heat, his heart beating under his coat, the way he moved his hand along my back. I have never been so sure of a soul uniting with mine until that very kiss. It was what most women could only dream of. I needed that desperately and he knew it and gave it to me.
There are so many twists and turns, bumps and road blocks in our already started story. Ones of heart break, and of unquestionable blind faith. One day we were all supposed to be working as a family unit, and the next it was being torn apart. I no longer knew which end was up and which was down. I can’t remember exactly when it started to fade. Probably when his wife became more out of control than her usual. Yes she knew about I and I of her as well. She was good at faking a promising future at first, she was skilled at trying to win me over more to her side, so that I too would retaliate against Sir. Telling me half truths and wild lies about what happened in their marriage and home. She did keep her cool while she was talking with me, that is how she planned it. Turn me toward her side, have me believe that Sir was a bad man, and to completely destroy the very man I loved. It did not work out for her as I am still loving him and she has asked for a divorce.
As the bond began to grow with Sir and I, his wife became more and more irrational. She began to pick apart words I had spoken or written and turn them into anything negative. She tried her hardest to get me thrown out of his life, yet it did not work. I on the other hand, and only in the beginning, tried to show her our perception, to reassure her I was not here for him, yet for them both. To mend what was broken between them, to complete their circle. That didn’t work out and when I couldn’t take any more of her insults and name bashing I assaulted her with my words. I took every weak spot I knew she had and tried to make her feel even worse than she made me feel. In the end I was silenced from speaking that way to her by Sir and yet she was allowed to constantly bash me.
I believe that is when it started to change. The feelings I once had of how his soul would shatter without me, how he would not be whole if I were not behind him, it all went out the window. I truly believed I was his soul mate and his one ride or die. I still feel this way yet he has not grown enough from her abuse to see what I do. Sir knows who is there for him in reality, and that is why I stay, just that small once of hope keeps me believing in him and his journey.
It started with how I was silenced. She was despicable to me. Never had even a cordial word to say, all insults and negativity. When I did the same to her, spoke out and defended myself, I was told to just apologize and remain polite. How can a man say he loves me and will protect me in one sentence and then allow such damage be done to me. Yes she was his wife yet she hardly if ever acted as such. I was what a wife really was. I did and acted as a wife should, not her. She torn me down every chance she got and I was to remain polite. That hurt because to me if the situation were reversed I would not let anyone family or friend speak ill of the one I loved. Why wouldn’t he defend me as promised? How could she be allowed to say all those nasty hurtful things and still hold his love? Yes vows are strong but when they have been broken on both parties numerous times, shouldn’t the one picking up the pieces and mending the broken heart get some type of allegiance?
As a good girl I listened and followed his will or at least until he unbound my code of silence. What solidified the change in it all was what he spoke of. Sir has repeatedly said he did not want to try anymore, talking of putting his faith of love into another woman. He says he cannot see the future any longer and when he does it never turns out well. Not for him or any of us. He no longer has drive or purpose in his life. With him saying all this, it has profoundly discredited everything I believed in to this point. I really believed we could go on without her and live happy. I woke every morning thinking I am one step closer to being with him in real life not just over the internet, closing the distance between us. It has all been shattered and taken from me, well most of it. Now that he does not have the drive for life and to strive to be with me happy and in love, I no longer have the will to try for a wonderful future we could have had. It just does not seem possible any longer. I may never be a love so great to him he couldn’t do without it. I may never be the woman he needed, one from his dream. I may never be her! I am actually grateful I will never be her as I am far better than she will ever be. I have never and will never destroy a man so deeply he will not be able to love another again.
Going on from there… there were times of him telling me he just wanted out of the marriage and times of him telling me he wanted to work on it. Me being tossed around like my feelings and entire breath wasn’t waiting on what he chose to do. I now shake my head. I cannot reason with a dementia patient any more than I could with him, almost as if he grew so used to the pain and emptiness she left him with, he could not step away from it. And to this day, he is still in its shadow. A shadow of a dream he once had to find a true love. A dream he put into her, and she failed to receive it. To this I say, open your eyes Sir. I am sitting before you waiting for you to snap out of this darkness she has put you in. I am and always have been the woman you dream of so why are you acting as though it can never exist? I am right here, let me show you. Now Sir has nothing left to give.
Sir has left me. Although we still visit one another and talk every night, he has left me. He says it’s to keep the pain and anger where it is needed so he can stay away from his wife, it is what he wants. It feels like I am felt for dead, forgotten about and not seen as the true welder of his dream. Why does he feel so empty without her, when she broke him so badly? Sometimes he says he is not sure if he can do it again, that he cannot put so much faith in one female. I say that is not fair. To make me pay for the sins and wrong doings of his past loves. I’m better than all of them put together, I deserve better than to be placed so low on a scale that should not exist to begin with. What is in the past should stay there. This is why we keep trying, with hopes of actually finding the one we were made for. I know I was made for him, problem is he doesn’t see it. He can’t look past the destruction she has cause in his life, the horrid acts of physical abuse have left him severely scarred. I can understand how this has happened to him, only I cannot see why he has not figured out how to combat it. Sir had found a way yet he keeps himself from the very thing that gives him peace and makes him feel wanted and needed. Sir keeps that one thing at a distance saying he just needs to finish the divorce, it needs to be finalized so that he does not feel like he is replacing one woman with another. My thought is, why not, she was a distraction to keep you busy until you met me, I would not be a replacement more of a found piece of missing life. Sir I say to you, I shall never be a replacement for when I step into a relationship it is like no other. I am but an upgrade and a requirement for fulfillment in your life, I am the pure happiness you will not allow yourself to feel.
There is honesty and yet sadness in some of what is said between us. Sir does not wish to see me be consumed by him. He has said on many occasions that he would like me to have other things in my life not just him. This will then stop me from suffer so deep should we split, that I will not recover from it. Well I look at Sir and see what it does to someone. I see first hand what being wrapped up in another so deeply and wholly can do to one. You are walking breathing proof of putting yourself into one person too much and although I will die should you leave, I have others in my life which will stop the destruction. I choose you to consume me and if it comes down to it, I will also choose to not be destroyed by you. I will never love another shall we part, yet there will always be a reason for me to go on living. Sir you do not understand that one can give themselves totally and completely to another and yet not end up like you have. It is a matter of will and strength.
Sir and I have been walking with one another through life for 8 months now. Still there is a cloud of doom and despair over our heads. I asked you to fight for me Sir. Not a fight of keeping me in your life, no a fight to stay and choose to see a wonderful positive future. One without the demons of your past creeping behind you. I cannot make you put it where it belongs, it is something you have to do on your own. Where it belongs, as memories and forgettable mistakes made so long ago. You are no sucker in this tragedy. You knew what you were getting into the day your wife accused you of sleeping with her mother, and again with the neighbor. You knew she had self esteem problems and metal issues, only you thought with guidance you could help. You could show her and her children a better way of living. You thought she was the best you would ever achieve in a life partner, thinking there was no one out in the world like me. What you didn’t realize was how abusive it would turn and how she kept the kids from bonding with you. For all of that, it does not make you foolish no, it shows that you are a kind generous man. A man of strength and conviction in his daily life. A man with morals and values that go beyond material goods. You tried to help for 10 years and they did not receive it properly, that is their misconception not your plight. Please look past the feeling of being duped, you tried for an extremely long time, they hurt you in the process, it is over. They cannot hurt you any longer you have left the pain and misery behind, come to me now and work towards a brighter future.
Sir is stil fighting, he is still battling the deep destruction of his past so that one day he may walk, head held high with pride and happiness in his heart. Sir will make it through this dark time and come out better than he has ever been. I will be the one to watch him shine, brighter than the stars above, and shower the world with his wisdom once more! I love you Sir, I believe in YOU!