LOST

There’s sadness in me today, a deep hurtful sadness. Not something that is going to go away anytime soon. I miss my family. The way we all used to be before I found a guy. I used to hang with them all the time, bringing my children to my brothers to play with their kids. My kids and I would camp frequently over the spring and summer months with my youngest brother and this year there has been nothing. I have stayed in contact with them for the most part, yet the times I’ve asked to go visit, I get no reply. Sometimes over the summer we would all meet up at this popular mountain forest preserve and spend the day there. We would swim, BBQ, fish, hike and just have a good time. Once we even played a game of volleyball or two. Throughout the past we have also met places to explore while hiking, finding new and interesting places within a familiar trail. We have even been known to kayak from time to time. This year there has been hardly any contact between us. There was time not long ago that I had my life figured out and with it’s escape from me, maybe that is what caused the rift. I was in school to further my career, become an LPN, until I failed. It all started slipping away from me when the “great divorce”  happened and my time started to be directed away from my studies and onto the guy. Yes it was probably a stupid move on my part, yet I’ve always been the one to put matters of the heart before anything else in life. I guess that’s where I went wrong as well. Makes me rethink what I have been telling myself all these 38 years of my life, love conquers all just is not the truth.

When I met the guy is when my family started drifting away. They became distant and changed almost overnight, or that’s how it seemed to me. I stayed up late talking to him every night on the computer, sharing secrets, hopes and dreams, fears of the future. You name it, we talked about it. I even met the guys best friend and he would also chat with us until the wee hours of the morning. It was a whole new world for me, it was exciting and made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere other than just what I was. Yes I was happy being a part of my family it fulfilled every part of my life except one, I was lonely for companionship. The one thing that can only be found in another person, a partner. I was missing a bond to another human, and it was like that for a long long time, or until I met the guy.

I have sacrificed much to be in this relationship with him and it goes unnoticed. I am told frequently he has given up his whole life to be in this with me, and yet he does not recognize what I have given up as well.  I have given up my career, and my family, and I am about to relocate to his state and not be close to my children any longer. All of these things I have willingly parted with to follow what my heart told me to do. Yes I probably should have stuck with school, yet that does not seem as a high priority after seeing what the nurses go through at my job now. They struggle everyday to keep patients in good health and it falls on the deaf ears of the administrators. I am not sure now if I can stand in the position of nurse and allow desk jockeys to tell me how to treat my patience, so it is better for me to remain at my level of employment now. The situation with my kids has always been rather different then what is socially considered the norm. Early on, my daughter choose to live with her dad, and it is only my youngest that resides with me part of the week. He does not want to leave his hometown which is understandable, so that leaves only I to go. Yet without my offspring what will I have to live for and look forward to bring tears of pride to my eyes? All of my accomplishments up until this point will be left behind in a state I called home for most of my life. Yet another sacrifice I am choosing to give, all for the sake of love. 

So what am I making all of these choices for? Well up until now it was my belief that it would be for a promising future and many years of joy and happiness to come. Perhaps even one day having my youngest change his mind in wanted to make the move with me. Yet as of late, I have been getting a different vibe. The stress of a heavy work week has weighed its toll on this LDR we are in. Tempers running high because lack of sleep, the heat of the days drying out the health, and even the fact that maybe both would like this move to just be done with. Timing has to be right and it cannot be rushed. Maybe I ask too much of him, expect him to be the god I originally thought he was and held the title high for so long. Now that it is he and I alone, maybe I feel that my emotions and feelings are not taken into account properly. Whatever the reason behind the shift it does not seem to be going away anytime soon. It makes me contemplate revising my first choice and possibly postponing the move. It has me questioning everything I do and say. Was it right of me to feel that way? Did I say something wrong to piss him off? Why does he feel the need to hurt me by throwing situations in my face when he is angry? What purpose does that serve either of us? Why does he see me as being selfish when all I ever do is for the good of the relationship?

 

All questions I will never have the answers to; so where do I go from here?

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