I think I will go back to being a practicing Wiccan. During that time I was at peace and harmony with myself and those around me. I was in tune with the earth and my Goddess and maybe that will stop all the negativity in my life.
The night of, was supposed to be a good night. Drinks, good food and the comfort and company of the man I love. It did not turn out this way. It ended in disaster. That night I was told he was again talking and sorting out his friends, which is also his ex of many years ago, her life problems and how her marriage is ending in divorce. He was talking to the very person I keep stressing to him is the one who has the ability to destroy us should he choose to continue speaking with her on matters normal women should be speaking with her girlfriends on. Numerous times I have told them both the topics of their conversations are not suitable for a just friends level and yet it continues. So yet again I found out he was speaking with her, after a great month of them being silent, it hurt me. That month of not hearing about her bullshit and all her stupid drama that she brings on herself was glorious to me. She is in the position she is in because of her own actions, which have consequences’, that now she does not want to face. To this I say grow up and be a big girl, she made her bed now she has to lay in it and stop bringing my love into it all. She is once again dragging his heart around due to him still being in love with her in some fashion. I understand it may not be a love which means he wants her in a relationship again, but it is a love none the less. When one loves so deeply it does not go away, it changes form. I know because I am the same way. Back on track…That night we were in bed and he told me to do something and I jokingly asked him to yell at me, be forceful in a playful manor. He did and it was great, he even added a bit more than just yelling which was most welcomed by me. A bit later I, still in joking mode, said something that did not sit well with him. We turned serious spoke a few words on the matter and he rolled over. At this point the connection that was arising ended and the moment lost, I was still wide awake so I get out of bed and rolled smokes. Getting mad is my downfall every time. When I get angry words come from my mouth before I even have a reasonable thought about whether or not it will damage a person. To me it is like the rage takes over and I become an ugly, sinister, demon out for blood and vengeance. I am not perfect, and I have always claimed to be broken, I warn all that comes into my close circle that I am not a nice person. With all that being said, I opened my mouth and said something to him that apparently damaged how he felt towards me. I had no idea simple words can cause so much destruction and damage to the very thing that he tells me means the most in his life, yet it did. If words could smash a person so badly I would be dead by all the things that have been said to me, if not dead than only a shell of a person. Well I am now a shell of a person due to being split away from him so easily.
The next day it was like walking on egg shells for me. It was a nightmare come true, not knowing if I should speak or touch him. Watching him sleep became more of a chore as I grew worried from trying to read his facial expressions. Usually when he sleeps his face is at peace, soft and he even smiles from time to time. Not this day. He was different, his face was hard and cold when he slept. When he woke it was not much different, yet I understood we had to talk on what happened. I had brought to his attention a matter of emotions I was feeling on traveling back and forth and missing my youngest son. So he also had that to think about too. I was not only trying to give him space but I was also treading lightly as to not cause any more upset with my words. Barely speaking and not touching he told me he was trying to feel again. He did not feel anything anymore so before he could speak to me he had to try and feel something. My mind and part of my heart went racing…feel again? What the hell stopped you feeling for me? You are the one always telling me you love me so deeply that nothing can change that, and now it has.? And because of the reason I have warned off from the beginning. In my eyes if it was that easy to stop you from feeling anything towards me, how can I see your words of pure love to absolution? Never once had you said unkind words to me and I stopped feeling, it may have been overshadowed by pain or anger, but never has my feeling of love gone away. Keeping my space, we tossed the football with my son, which kept us in contact but not directly. This was a good sign or it was in my eyes. I’d like to say in his as well but I cannot speak of what is in his mind, only what he shows in actions and words.
We had a chance to talk about what happened the night before. So much was misinterpreted as we actually sat and talked and came to realizations. The communication was so off that when I did say those words that damaged him, he had in his own mind I was wanting to hurt him that bad. It still baffles me as to why what I said made him stop feeling unless there is still some attachment to his ex. That is how I see it. If there is no attachment what I said would not have impacted him so much and like I have said in the past and hold strong to it today…this woman will destroy us, one way or another. He was on the mend after we shared our perceptions of the event, said we were going to be fine given time. I gave him what he needed and that night he and I seemed to connect once more. It was powerful, and wonderful, almost magical…until he said okay we are better. Almost there, not 100% more like 90-95% but better. Really, another hurtful dig? After what we shared and how I released my all to him again, 95% at best, okay like that’s not damaging. Yet I moved on, took him at his word and fell asleep confused and a bit sad.
The next day I had secured some alone time for the night away from my son. Hoping that the evening and night would bring about the change he needed to be 100% again in love with me again. I guess asking to do something and get out of the house for a change was not a good plan. I thought fresh air and being outside would wash away the rest of his ill feelings. It did not. He was speaking to me on occasions like I was not his, like I did not matter to him. We spoke on this and he tried to turn it around. He was pleasant while walking except that we did not have much physical contact, something I need on a minute basis. Let that slide if can be, was what I thought. Then finally he took my hand at the end and we walked back to the car. He wanted to do something fun and was frustrated he could not find what he wanted close by. I was willing to go 75 miles to make him happier and he denied the gesture….ouch again! Finally he said he wanted some adult entertainment, which crushed me a bit as well considering how I was being talked to but okay if that will make him happy lets go. Went to a restaurant that had a bit of what he wanted and I made a comment about the waitress not knowing her alcohol when he ordered it. He became defensive and exclaimed that I was going to tear her apart all night. I lost it! I was tired of not feeling like I mattered or that I was all he claimed I am to him. I said to him maybe if he wasn’t talking to me like shit all day, and then being so sweet and innocent to the waitress I wouldn’t have said what I did.
The night ended with him trying to leave and I ran after him like a stupid lost school girl. HUH….I ran after him, I do not chase anyone. If they want to leave then go! If this “split ass” was what he wanted to ruin us than so be it. All that night I was told what I thought was all wrong. My perceptions and opinions did not make sense and it even carried over to the next day. I was to sit and keep my thoughts to myself. So I have been and in doing so, being shut down every chance he can and making me feel like I am no longer valued, I have shut down completely.