Much has changed the course of Your direction. We have been slowly adding to Our dynamic. She is an amazing woman and I adore her to the fullest, or at least as much as one can over messages and chat groups. One day hoping to end all the texting and live together creating a loving, happy home. He has been pushed out of yet another house to which He was working so hard to lend a helping hand with. His family member became lucid and the turn of events has left Him in a different place to live yet with much more determination. I will be keeping tabs on my various emotions and how this is all taking a toll on my mind and soul. Here is where I will keep a type of journal of day to day actions and feelings.
10/11/17 He went home!
Sir had to go home after a 3 week stay with me. I did not want Him to leave but He has many pressing matters He needs to attend to. That I can understand, without fault and without worry. Sir has been kicked out by the woman, His grandmother, that He had been caring for. He moved back to the state just to do this for her and she repays Him with this. Why? Last He knew she was in need of bananas and then 2 days later she told Him to pack up and get out. Whoa, what a flip. No bananas, no room to sleep in, okay got it! Weird because how much He contributed to her spending habits, took care of all her medical needs, jumped every time she said to, and just bent to her every need. Not to mention how the trailer is in His name too. Okay so out He goes. He drives from me 3 1/2 hours to pack up all His stuff and move it to where He is going to be staying now. Not one word from her as to why she decided all this. Being where He is now, I am so grateful for. It means He can stay in His state and continue with His business plus gives Him a roof over His head and a place for hot meals and a warm comforting atmosphere. All which He has not had in way too many years. Between the ex and His grandmother, they about drove Him completely insane. So He gets His stuff packed up and finally gets to sit and chat with His new house mate about the future and plans to get settled. Work needs to be done to set up and livable quarters for Him, which is not a problem for the 2 men doing the work. They are both strong, men not afaird to put in actual work. Sir has been doing so much this day and irons out a few details for the night. That is all He can do for now as it is late when He finally gets to settle down for what I will call a nap at best. Sir calls me and it is so good to hear His voice. It’s so hard the first couple weeks to be away from Him after we spend time together. It really tugs at my heart and makes me feel as though I cannot live anymore. But I see how hard He is working so I push away these feelings and just find happiness in talking to Him. His voice has changed. He is not irritated. Yes I can hear the stress in His voice but He is not talking with that hint of hatred anymore. Never a hate towards me, just life in general. That is how it always is when He returns to that state. Mostly because of the environment He had to go back to. We spoke for about 25 mins and we had to part. This is where it got a bit hard for me. I am so used to sleeping with Him every night even over Skype yet this night we could not. Understandable and I thank Him for even taking the time to call me. He’s so busy, I hope He can regain His strength soon.
I had to wake extremely early due to having to work at 6am, yuck! Went to work and even though I promised myself I would not bother Sir today, I did anyways. I just said good morning and hoped He slept okay. No thoughts or feelings that would create bad blood or cause a fight. I know He has so much to do so I will keep myself busy with work and kids to show Him I can do this as well. Writing also helps when it is late at night and He is still working hard. Like now, at 11pm He is still moving His belongings into His new place and trying hard to keep me from freaking out at the same time. I am not, not this time Sir. He knows that if I don’t hear from Him for long periods of time my mind tends to turn dark and evil. This time it is not, it is where it needs to be, focused on our future together. I feel like, I miss you terribly but I do not have any ill thoughts in my head. I wish you can read this, maybe it would help you to know what I am thinking and feeling. Usually I’d be starting some sort of stupid fight or saying something terrible and regret it later, not this time. I know Sir is working hard to fulfill our future. I cannot stress that enough. I admire Him so much for what He is doing. My one true love! I will say this, I miss Him way more than I should. He just makes me feel so safe and cared for most of the time when He is near. He cares for me so well and I feel so loved by Him that when we are apart, it hurts more than a bucket of nails being dumped over my head. Okay so I’ve never had that happen but I imagine it would hurt a great deal. Sir texted me and said He will call me as soon as He sits down. I will wait until I hear from Him. I will wait all night if that is what it takes. He also needs to rest from all this work He did today, so I will try not to keep Him too long. I miss Him so much, it makes my stomach ache.
I also had a wonderful chat with our new prospective slave. She’s amazing and i can’t wait to complete our dynamic if that is where His direction stands later, after all this dust settles.
We spoke on the phone a few times today. It was nice hearing your voice, still wishing I could see your face. I was having a rough night because it all ceased, everything. Most of the cute flirtations texts, and what bothers me the most is that until tonight we didn’t sleep on Skype together or even over the phone. It is driving me to the break of loneliness. So as we spoke tonight, you said you will call and sleep with me again. You lifted my spirits and made me feel good again and for that I am grateful. Thank you.
My day was going great! I woke with a smile and new sense of hope thanks to you. We got to say good morning and it just set my whole day to excitement. I had plans with my brother and the kids. We went hiking and while hiking I received a few cute texts from you. You said a song reminded you of me so you sent it to me. Then I sent pics of our trip. It was an all around great day. Got back home and got to see you for about 20 mins. That just set my heart racing. I got to see you!!!! I was so happy I cried. You said you had to go for dinner that your cousins girl made and would hit me back up as soon as you could. I thought since you had your laptop back up, you would take a break and actually hang out with me. I was so excited I did my hair and make-up hoping I’d hear from you soon. 3 hours later I still did not hear anything from you, so I messaged you. That started an argument. You went to the store, I was waiting on you not knowing. Wow, I was so wrong. You did not have plans to hang out with me after dinner, and that was my mistake. Thinking you were taking a break from all the work you had to do to see and visit with me. Made me feel stupid for being excited as you kept throwing in my face how much stuff you had to get done and had no one to help. Telling me it wasn’t your plan to get thrown out of your house. When I asked if you had a day we could eventually have time together that set you off even more.
Okay so now I get it. You are going to have little to no time for me and I am to be okay with it. It went from being here for 3 weeks to barely even speaking. Got it! I will be fine, moving on with what I m to be doing here. Work and sit round doing nothing. I have no friend base because I’ve literally sank the last year of my life into you but it’s all good. I’ll make due. Thank you for working so hard to get us together. Thank you for busting ass to make our future strong and happy, but this space is not going to make me feel anything but left behind and tossed aside. I also thank you for using Skype to sleep with me again on this night. It should have helped but I still did not sleep good. You are trying so hard which is why my thoughts and feelings stay here and do not get spoken. I know this is all for the benefit of our life together. I wish you knew this!
I left you alone most of the day. I knew how much you had to do. The whole day sucked because I was sitting at home depressed and missing you. Man not happening again. I was okay alone before, I will be okay now. Thankfully at about 10 we got to Skype. Of course you are reading emails while we talk, no undivided attention for me, but at least I got to see you. I’ll take anything I can get at this point.
Tomorrow starts a few 5 day stretch of being even further away from you. Not to mention the fact that I will not be sleeping with you on the phone or pc. That’s the part I’m not looking forward to. Your will is strong and your determination is even stronger. You are on a path to bring us together for eternity and that’s wonderful. I’m so proud of you for pulling the strength and power it takes to do what you are doing now. I tell everyone how hard you are working and how motivated you are. I am following your direction to the fullest. One thing is wrong, you are away so much, and it is effecting me. I am trying very hard to not allow it and stay strong with the distance it’s just hard.
If you can do all you are doing I can at least pull my half and keep it together while you bring us closer. It’s least I can do for you. That and pick up all the shifts that are available, yes I know.