Where does this all fit into a life of love and happiness? A question I have become extremely familiar with and yet I do not have an answer yet. I know an easy way to figure it out would be to just walk away and end everything that has been worked so hard for. More steps then I’d like to admit have been laid with some sort of heartache or disappointment from one party or another. So isn’t that a great reason to want to see where it all ends if it does at all. Does it have to have an ending? Sometimes, times like now, yes there does seem to have a need for it. But why? Just why can’t this whole experience be easy? Or maybe not easy, even just a little less stressful and more laid back. Finding a road that does not lead to some sort of unwillingness to see another’s point of view would be a good start. A road of compromise and understanding without the need to make the other feel they have done the only wrong. It all comes to a dead end and yet still pushed forward. The challenge of finding another to add to the dynamic is also putting strain where the LDR already had it. When two people do not live together and live in totally different states, shouldn’t they wait until they are together before they try to add others? Wouldn’t that take away some of the stress since all they want is first to share a place of residency together? Then when they are living together, they have all the time in the world not only with one another but also to find someone that can match both parties and grown with them.
One admits the wrong and the other just holds their head high thinking they have not destroyed anything. Still just walking along like they are right and not seeming to make adjustments to better the situations when they arise. Not that it needs to be said they could have handled the situation better but to show progress in making a change to not do it again. I sit and reflect on what has transpired over the past year. There has been many wonderful memories made. Ones filled with excitement and love. Yet during the dark moments, they leave such an unforgettable stain, it is hard to recover from. There have been many times that I have failed in my protocol, ones to which have remedies and are being worked on. I have never claimed to be prefect at anything least of all life itself. I have said many times I am broken and that it is going to take an extraordinary man or person to find what needs to be restored. All this time and I still feel that I do not have someone to accomplish this, yet I am close in the partner I have now. Working with me to challenge and drive me forward in becoming who I know I can be. Too much has past and changed to allow a few small indifferences to break a concrete foundation, however I am afraid that if a particular situation continues to happen, I will be lost beyond the stars. I will not come back to find myself any longer.
Communication is key to all interactions with others. If one does not speak well or have the correct terminology, it is hard to talk of what they are thinking and feeling. Likewise, with the opposite. If one does not choose to listen and take in what is being said, communication is useless. It takes both parties to speak separately all they are feeling and thinking and for the other to sit and hear them. Really listen and take from what they are saying. Then to allow the other to have their time to do the same, speak while they listen. It is a back and forth until all are satisfied with how and if they have completed their problems or concerns. Then it is time to constructively analyze the situation and come up with solutions or compromises to stop how and why it all happened to start. When there is only one person, partner, doing all this and making changes to better themselves then it breaks the chain of communication. All is in vain and it breeds resentment and despair. It makes the one that is shut down want to stop sharing. They then keep it all inside and hide how they really feel in fear that they will not be responded to correctly or even heard.
With all that said…I have some reflection yet to do. Yes I admit I have to work on how I address certain issues and situations. It is hard for me to push past my intense emotions and find words that will convey what and how I feel that do not break the respect and etiquette of a D/s dynamic. Respect is not always shown in my verbiage and how I present my outlook. I do have to come up with constructive ways to speak how I feel instead of allowing my emotions to take over and let my mouth spit out words without thinking. Again I state I am broken and have a long way to be completed. How can I correct all of this, when it is all I have ever known how to communicate, and if I am not lead by example? Being taught that, no it is not right to address my Dom in a fashion that breaks protocol yet to look at the reasons why and stop them from happening to start may be a solution. I need my Dom to hear my words, take them into consideration and help him to come to a solution that is good for the dynamic. Yes I am aware the Dom is not perfect either but when the sub has not been in an LDR or even had a chance to explore being in a multi-person relationship, she’s going to look to her Dom for extra guidance and support in all matters. When the sub has always been submissive naturally yet has not been able to effectively and wholly practice this to the full extent, she would need extra training and effort in getting her to understand how and why she is to correctly follow said protocols. On a few different occasions I have addressed issues that I felt were not only of importance yet could have been approached differently and to me my concerns were not taking into consideration. They were washed away as almost insignificant and bothersome. That is how all these small instances leave me feeling, as though what I say has no bearing on what goes on with us. Reasoning behind this, it seems to keep happening whether the same situations or something close to it, and attempting to have my concerns corrected are not being utilized. It simply does not change when I share my thoughts and concerns, so why share them?
Yes it is known to me that a submissive is to follow the direction of the Dom. I am aware of the responsibilities I have as a sub and I am also aware of what I like to have my Dom to be like. Mostly I can say I am happy with mine except in the area of communication. I talk and my words to not seem to be heard. I have no one in the Ls for support other them him. His ex-wife did a great job at destroying all I did have and I went into hiding for a few short months. She was tracking and following my every word and move on the internet. It was creepy. So yes I have lost all I had to run to when I needed advise on D/s situations. I have tried to find others yet no one practices with the conviction I am looking for. No they all ended up being kinksters and this new aged bs about how a sub should top from the bottom. I do not want this. I want my sub side to shine and yet I need my Dom to guide me and show me with examples and truths that I also still have a voice and my words are still taken into consideration.
I do not want this to end, I have found my life partner and soul mate. I’m not losing sight of that. At this moment in time I am unsure if I am to be taking a few days of silence to myself or if I am to still be contacting my Dom. I am confused and lost in this yet I know how I have also messed up. I know I have to talk and communicate better to which I will try. Push past the emotions and speak with respect and dignity. Bring up topics in a way that does not break protocol. I have even tried to research this subject. Where do I go from here and what am I supposed to be doing at this point in time?