Not Again

So it’s dead huh? In my mind you were the world, a god send, a reason to live and keep going. Now because actions and reactions took place it’s dead? The only thing I can live with is if you didn’t want it to die why did you behave the way you did? It is your mannerisms and the way you behave that turned it all around and into something that became what it is now. And yet you see it as I did the deed, I spoke the untruth, my behavior was out of line. If you did not want my reactions perhaps you should not have disregarded what I had asked for far too long. You knew what you said had a profound impact on how I felt, acted, and carried myself and yet to you it didn’t matter. You still threw your harsh words at me and expected me to be fine with it claiming it was a joke. Well when one hears something long enough, it becomes a reality. You projected your attitude on to me. Did you really think there would be no repercussions?

Now you say it takes two to make a relationship survive but only one to make it die. To that I say, then why did you push it away? Why did you feel the need to keep saying I’m miserable when clearly I had a smile on my face everyday. I was happy, content, and ready for the next step in our relationship. I told you everyday how happy you made me, how much I love you, and how wonderful it feels to be with you. Everyday! You just had to ruin it. Wiped out all positive in me and turned me into something dark and broken yet again. If I could not show you through my actions and words how happy I was, then please tell me what the hell will. Yet everyday I heard from you how miserable I was and how unhappy I was, to which you said was all a joke. How I walk around with a permanent attitude and it’s like I’m menstruating all the time. If that doesn’t break a person down I don’t know what will.

So yes just as I suspected, after you approached me to talk about what happened last night, it was all because of me. I was to blame for the whole evening going to shit. I overreacted, I yelled down the hallway, I pushed you away. Telling me I was not the person I said I was. It turns out you think I’m a fake, liar, and I abuse you. You actually said I was abusive towards you! You told me you have never once pushed me away in anger, that you have never once told me to fuck off while being pissed. You never treat me bad, don’t act mean towards me, and you choose everyday not to be miserable with me. I say…YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT! The proof is in my writing. All the damage you have done to me and I keep forgiving you for it.

Well now all my duties have been taken away. You told me today I am not to cook for you any longer, I am not to do your laundry, and I am to leave all your belongings alone that you will handle it all. You took my only purpose away. What is the point of me even being your submissive then? Not only have you taken the sex away in the past now I have no reason for being here. You gave me purpose at one point now I’m just here, like a waste of space again, a waste of oxygen. Why be alive? Why fucking be in your presence if all I am to do is sit like stone? With no more purpose and direction, I’ll fade away and I guess to you this is my fault also. Once more back to having my soul broke apart. Even he didn’t want to keep it repaired.

Lost and broken once more!!!

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