So you want me to use my blog as an outlet for the internal rough feelings I have. Fine no problem.
I have no one in the lifestyle that I can talk to anymore. They have all went away due to me being stalked by your crazy ex wife loser bitch. Then I turn to your best friend like you told me too, and that wasn’t good because it put a strain on all our relationships. Now I can’t even use Whisper. I am no longer allowed to go on an anonymous web site and post how I feel because you know it’s me and it hurt you. What I have to say to that…..FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUUUCK YOU!!! It’s anonymous for a reason dip-shit. Or maybe you are doing something wrong, that’s why you know it’s me!
So here I am sitting here writing this to copy and paste it on to my blog, a place it should never be. Reason for me to vent…..I found a girl. She’s great. I am absolutely glad I found her. She needed some help getting into the lifestyle. And me being a kind person invited her into my bond with Sir. It’s great, it really is. Most of the time anyways. She’s adorable and in a pure way not some fetish/sexual way. Not for me anyways. She young, and for whatever reason I’m really taking a shining to her. I enjoy talking to her, keeping her company, and helping her with tasks she given by Sir. See, he is mentoring her or at least that’s the way I see it. It’s cute that’s she’s grown so close to him yet because of my demons, it bothers me at the same time. I don’t want to tell her to go away, or tell Sir to stop mentoring her, that would make me sad. What I do want is to keep it on a mentoring and training aspect not to make it like she’s being collared by him. Okay here’s what I feel…..
Due to the way my brain is wired I have so many mixed up emotions and attitudes on this whole experience. All the way back in August I was begging for Sir to give my schedule back. That was when we were in an LDR and it would have done so much good for me. I must have brought it up to him over what seems like a million times, in reality about 5 times. So from August until about mid January I asked 5 times if he could put me on a daily schedule and nope. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. So yeah it makes me feel shitty when you come up to me just the other day and tell me that because he’s giving this new chick a schedule, he now wants to give me one as well. Fuck that! Not after me asking for so damn long and now you want to with someone else and I’m supposed to still want one. Well I have my freedom now, I don’t want to give that back to you. You didn’t want it before, you can’t have it now. Dude we live together, why the fuck do I want a schedule now? That’s so stupid to me. Give her what I wanted, I don’t want it no more.
Next, the constant ding of kik on my phone. From the time Sir says hello to this chick, it is non-stop chatting until finally it is 11pm and I no longer require any attention. I usually find it elsewhere now. Then when we do sit down to “cuddle” and watch a movie, I fall the fuck to sleep because I don’t sleep until 3-4pm everyday like he does. Nope I get up at the butt crack of dawn so I can make sure the kid is off to school and my chores are done. No, at this point I still don’t want to tell her to leave. I still like her very much and like how well he is guiding her.
Sir is talking about renaming her already. I had to wait until I was collared for him to name me. What is that all about? She gets a rename now, so easily when I had to work so hard for that shit. Sir told me it was special, the names he gives his “submissives” because then we are truly owned by him and with a purpose and meaning behind it. Fuck if that’s not confusing. Okay I guess this chick is being collared or is special too, she just didn’t have to work for it. He will be giving it to her freely. Nice, makes me want to take back all the shit I worked for. That’s probably why I didn’t put my collar on until he asked about it today. Doesn’t feel like it means as much as it did because it’s handed out like candy apparently. At this point my feelings are whatever, as far as she is concerned and telling him how I feel is pointless. So what just happened?
I wrote something on Whisper that said, “Why not collar her now and save the wait? Since you’re giving her what I’ve begged for since August.” Well he saw it and got all hurt by it. Omg wtf. My way of letting it out before it grew into something bigger. He got all pissed and erased the app. Told me he didn’t like me doing it because he hates finding shit about himself in a negative fashion on social media. Well then stop acting all jerky. So we had that discussion which is when he told me to use my blog to vent from now on. I said okay I swear I will not post any of it again on there, deleted all I said, even the good stuff, and went to here. So now he’ll put the app back on his phone. Mission accomplished, it can’t be blamed on me like it usually is. Then for about 5 minutes I had to listen to how it would be so bad to leave this chick now. She’s so attached, and if we left it would make her want to jump off a bridge. He considered leaving kik and stopping the mentoring but it would be way to destructive for her. Omg it’s not that serious. I didn’t say to stop mentoring her. I was having issues with the shit he’s pulling and kept it to myself this time. And when I could no longer keep my mouth shut, I let it out on Whisper. Here’s why I tried to keep it to myself.
When I usually come to him with how I feel about bringing in new people, he gets all pissy, throws his hands up and quits everything. Stops mentoring, stops talking to people, stops using app or sites we use together, when I say everything it’s literally everything. Then a week or 2 down the road he’ll bring it all back up and say it’s all my fault he don’t talk to no one any longer. He makes me feel like I have never even matter. All the shit I have done does not get remembered. All I did was bring to his attention things I felt I was a bit wronged by and he flips out. This is why I keep shit to myself now. Because he doesn’t take the time to try and see it from my eyes. He doesn’t try to understand how I feel and why I feel it.
So my last post was about him taking away all my purpose for even being a submissive. Followed by crying all day into the night and then with a finale of me writing letters explaining my death. After March 28th I had it all planned out to kill myself. Wrote letters to my family and kids saying how sorry I was and all that shit. Spent the next day crying and still being ignored by Sir. I knew I was going to die so why did it matter any more. I couldn’t stop crying anymore and finally told him what I planned to do. This was after listening to my phone get blown up from him chatting with her on kik all day. From 12pm until 4pm only words spoken to me was how I fucked up and it was my fault we were not speaking. But can chat with her all day. Anyways, I told him and he spent maybe an hour talking to me about it, I showered, we ate and it’s back on kik with chicky. Wow, thanks for all your time and concern Sir. A wee few hours but hey then again he had a Skype meeting set up with her so yeah I get the back seat again. About a half hour before the meet between all of us, I start having a panic attack. Fucking sucked too. Couldn’t breath right, kept crying with no tears, stomach was twisted up. I had to tell him, I texted I couldn’t do the meet. I was in no condition to meet someone new for the first time. For god sakes, not more than 3 hours ago I told Him I wanted to die but hey fuck me right?! He comes in and holds me. Finally leaves kik in the other room and has only time for me. Yay!! I get all my worries out and decide okay I’m ready, I can do this. So we Skype, meet the chick, and that’s that. Tells her, her hair looks nice when she uses a hair straightener yet when I do I look like I’m wearing a helmet. Why does it look bad on me and not everybody else? Told another chick this too, that she looked good with straightened hair. What the hell? Oh that was just another shit move on his part. But hey I can’t say anything about that either because then Sir would flip out and to put a fault to everything. Omg I don’t know why the hell I even bother. Either I keep it in, find an outlet to release it or I tell you about it. So far, everything I’ve done does not work or is not the right thing to do. Now I’m using my blog to write all this shit. Like any of you want to read what a fucked life I have at some points.
Now we are on another Skype meet for training purposes. He is teaching her posture by making her walk with books on her head, just like he did me. During this exercise he told her she was doing great, and she was. I am proud of her. But then what he says next is crushing…..”wow I think this is the first time I have ever seen any one I do this with accomplish this on the first try.”
Asshole, no it is not. You fucking piece of shit. I did it as well, and on the first try. You said the same fucking thing to me. I’m not sure I like you anymore at this point. Always leaving shit I do out of it all. You have your new play toy. Fuck you!!!!!! Another insult…..says I only know 6 Gorean slave positions. No asshole, you gave me 12 to remember and so I did. It just keeps coming, insult after insult. Especially in front of other women. OMG!!! I want to scream!!!