In late September 2016 I met a man on Facebook. He was charming, intelligent, witty and made me feel comfortable. During our online chats, he made me feel like I was the gravity holding him to earth. Nothing could split us apart. We were strong and untouchable for the first few months. Every time he needed space to try and repair his marriage I waited for him. He always came back to me. We’d talk for hours and hours about everything. He’s share his deepest secrets with me, held my hand, and even slept on the phone with me every night. When we were apart it hurt so bad. It felt like we were torn away from one another until the next time we were together again. He used to run to me when I’d visit with him. Yes actually run! Wrap me so tight in his arms, I felt I would never feel safer than I did when I was with him. Then it started. I was whole now that I found my soul mate. I did not need to be fixed any longer because he was my cure. He made everything better just with his presence. But I was not broken.
It started in August of 2017. When I could not have been any happier. I was fulfilled at last. I had my Sir, my children, and a descent career. I had never been happier in my life until it fell apart. August was when he started looking for others to fix. As my growth and training took me to a whole other level of submissive, he started pulling away. I should have seen it then. The more I did things correctly and up to his standards the more he would find little things wrong with me. And when he couldn’t find anything it seemed as though he would make them up. Since I was growing tired of him trying to pick small things that he wanted to change about me, he drifted off to help an ex girlfriend he had reconnected with. Her life was all fucked up due to her infidelities and not communicating-with her own husband. Yes she’s married. And because she was tired of being in a vanilla marriage, she felt it was okay to be in constant contact with him. Having in appropriate sexual conversations with him, texting him all hours of the night, taking my time away. Now I know it sounds selfish but let me explain. When I was with him in physical presence I asked several times if he can keep them messages to a minimum. It was our time together as we were in an LDR at the time which had us physically apart for weeks at a time. All I wanted was him to myself for a while. To this day I still don’t think I was being unfair or unreasonable by asking to keep the texts and calls from happening often. Not that they couldn’t happen, just that most of his time be allotted to me.
So about mid August they were having one of their, all day text messaging sprees while I was at work. He came to NY for a while and the messaging didn’t bother me too much, only that I knew he was answering her messaging before mine, phone records don’t lie. Except it kept going when I came home. I didn’t say anything to either one that night but the next day when he received a text from his ex asking about his and my relationship, I lost my cool. I sent her a text telling her to mind her own damn business and leave him alone. To go find a girl friend to share her fucked up sex life with. She ended up blowing up at him a week later and that’s when he started his miserable attitude towards me. Again, I was not broken any more and the person he was trying to fix went away because I chased her away finally. Stupid bitch, should have gotten the hint months ago. Shouldn’t have been chatting so much during my time and I wouldn’t have gotten ghetto on her ass. This was the second time I realized, I was not number one to him, not now. Maybe in the beginning before I was “healed”.
Just to touch base on the whole ex thing and why I hated that situation so much. As I’ve stated in previous blogs, it was because she was toxic. She was the one he tried to shoot himself in the head over but the gun didn’t fire correctly. She’s the one that drove him to go back into a mental institution. That is why I was so against him chatting so much with her. Not out of jealousy, out of protection. I guess I threw myself in front of that bullet for him. You’re welcome, but he’ll never see it like that.
In his eyes, I took away what he needed to fix so I became the enemy. Every little thing I did wasn’t right. My hair needed to change, so he picked blonde. I dyed my hair blonde. Now because of his choice in hair colors, my hair is brittle and damaged due to having to bleach out the black. I used to have beautifully healthy hair until this. So that wasn’t good enough, my makeup needed to change. Most times I did my makeup there was something off. My lipstick was too dark or not dark enough. My eyes didn’t have enough eye liner on them. Small petty things until one day I couldn’t take it any more and asked him why the hell he wasn’t fucking me via cam chat. I know kinda off topic but I didn’t know what else to do. I was fixing all the things he had a problem with. We used to play so much while in our LDR. It kept me satisfied until the next time we saw each other. We’d have play sessions, breast play, toy usage, and one time we even had a romantic session via Skype. Candles lit, towel on the bed, toys near by, baby oil. It was amazing. He told me everything to do to be his eye candy and we both had such a hard orgasm after it. The man had to lay down afterwards. It was so intense. Okay so all that stopped. When I brought it up at first he used to say it was my fault for not letting him have his ex in his life. Then it was because I never did my hair or makeup. Then it was because I never dressed up in corsets any more. When I tired to do all those things to make it better for him it still wasn’t enough. After I yelled at him for never cam-fucking me, he found the one thing I could change right away. He told me I was to heavy for him to find me sexually appealing.
When he met me I was never false in what I looked like. I’m no super model and never claimed to be. I’ve been straight up with him from the get go telling him I was over weight and that I had one part of my body I couldn’t get to go away no matter what I tired, my stomach. The pictures I sent him while I was in training were real pictures of me. Me in just my bra and panties. So if he had a problem finding me attractive, then why when we first met was it so easy for him to jack off on the cam to my pics and during sessions? It wasn’t a problem when we met yet became a problem almost a year later. See he was looking for something to fix. He couldn’t have his disgusting ex anymore so he had to find something with me that needed to be fixed. He found it. And it cut to my very core. He said he found it hard to be sexual with me on Skype because of my stomach. To this day I still do not understand how or why that changed. And so sudden. I also still hate myself for my stomach now so more than ever. I have a new found self esteem issue thanks to him.
I guess the harshness of his attitude changed sometime before Christmas. I was going to a kick boxing class so I could be more attractive to him and the holidays usually lifted my spirits. This year was a little different. I wasn’t feeling it like I used too. He had his moments of wonderful and times where I hated myself because I wasn’t good enough for him. Just like for him I’m sure there were times he wanted to ring my neck but for the most part, after the Christmas holiday, we were better. Not like we first met, but better in that he stopped finding things wrong with me and I stopped bugging him to have internet sex with me. The whole, he doesn’t like the way I look, kinda killed it for me.
It was around the middle of February that he was on Whisper and found some girl to chat with. Said she was different and had a sadness about her to which he just had to find out why. So in walks Kaitlyn. Weird chick. We would Skype with her and she’d just sit on the line all silent. We had to entertain for an hour or so and it was freaking awkward. Occasionally she would type something but not much. It was because she was shy he told me. I wrote a few times checking in on her through Skype and we didn’t really have much to say to one another. Yet again, here we go with him putting another chick before me. During our cam chats at night between him and me, he would be heavily involved in messaging her. After a while every time I heard his Whisper notification go off I would cringe. I again asked that if he could keep the messages to a minimum while we were spending the last few hours at night together. While we were sharing our day and just talking. He’d get upset and say things like yeah okay you’re going to get pissed about this one too. He’d tell me I was going to find a way to mess this up for him to just like his ex and the German chick. I just let it go. Do whatever at this point. There wasn’t anything I was going to say to make him see how much attention he was taking away from me. Then one day in his gmail I noticed he sent her money. Why was he sending this chick, basically a stranger, money? I asked her about it. She flipped out. Said I was being a bully and she didn’t need that kind of shit. Poor her, her life was so shitty already and I made it so much worse because I asked her why he sent the money. She left and he got pissed of course. This time I will say he was more understanding due to me showing him exactly what I wrote to her proving I wasn’t all crazy about what I asked.
I did ask him about why he sent the money. Asked why he kept it a secret too. His reasoning was that he just wanted to see what she’d do with it and she gave it right back so didn’t bother telling me about it. Why I was so curious about it was because he never before held back that sort of information from me. Any time he sent money to his brother, or best friend he told me. It just made it look strange this time because it was a girl and he didn’t tell me. Was it because it was a girl? Guess I’ll never know the truth.
So she left and we focused on finding a place together in his home state. I had to be out of where I was staying by the end of February and time was growing short. So that’s where most of our time and energy went for the whole month. Looking at places, putting in rental applications, and just spending time together. Of course there was a small disagreement here and there but nothing we didn’t over come. We were about to stop the LDR and move in together that was the greatest and ultimate goal. Everything else did not matter.
So we moved and it wasn’t easy. Moving all my stuff from New York to here. Then getting all his stuff it was exhausting. We did it and we were settled and enjoying our new space in under a week. I had secured a job and put my son in school here. It was all looking so good. We’d spend the days together and also doing our own thing but never too far away. My days consisted of house work and making meals. I made sure his cup was never empty and always had his pills, shots, and joint ready before each meal. He’s a diabetic the reason for the shots and pills. Never had to ask or remind me. I was shining at my submissive duties domesticity. I was also always prepared for him when he wanted me sexually. That I have never had a problem doing. That was the fun part, the part I looked forward to. He didn’t have sessions with me though, I missed them but didn’t speak up about it. In my head, I was thinking when he’s ready and it is calm here, he’ll start again. I was wrong in that thought.
On Whisper one day I found a girl that was just fed up with all the bullshit wannabes so I figured hey why not give her a shout out. She is real young, 19 but I wanted to try and help her. I chatted with her for a few days and suggested that she meet my Sir. He was so knowledgeable in the BDSM world and I felt if maybe he mentored her she would find a Dominant that suited her. Someone her age, someone that could make her want to face the mundane world much like I found in him. So we all got into a kik group chat and it started out okay. I’d chat with her during the day. She didn’t respond with much but I felt she would open up eventually. I did notice that he could get her to talk a lot more than I do I just let it go. 2 days pass and he’s starting to wake up earlier than normal. He usually slept until 3-4pm but joe he was getting up at 10-11am. Jumping on kik saying hi and it didn’t stop. All day for 3 days they would just be chatting and talking. On the 2nd day I asked if he really felt the need to message her that much. If he was only supposed to be mentoring her, why did they have to talk so much?…….well it’s all written in the other post I made so I’m not going to repeat it all.
Now I’m here. And he’s there. Last night was the end of our dynamic. I asked him if he had any reason why we shouldn’t end this and he said no. No he didn’t have a reason why we shouldn’t break up. So now like I said I’m here. Stuck in a state I am not familiar with. Starting a new job and so confused on what to do next. I want to keep my emotions in check but tonight it is hard. I believe he is still chatting with her, which means he chooses her over me. That really hurts, to the very soul. I moved away from all I had ever known. Away from my family, friends, left my daughter there in NY just so I could be with him. I choose him over everything else in my life. I gave up so much for this man and I’m here. Stuck not knowing what to do next. He just acts like none of it ever matter. Like I don’t matter, like me wanting his time didn’t matter. He couldn’t even stop chatting with her for an hour the day I went to the park with my kids. I asked him to stop and no. It fucking hurts to know I am worthless to him. I am nothing more than a house slave, and now I’m even less than that!
I do not wish to practice BDSM any longer. He has cured me of my every desire to ever want to serve someone again. I was a good girl, and he made me into what I am now. He made me better at first just because he is my soul mate, then because I wasn’t damaged enough for him he found every way to push me away. I was pure in my submission to him, I gave him very bit of control there was o have. And all I’m left with is a broken heart, a broken soul, and a new found distaste for the lifestyle. I will be okay though because despite his every effort to break me completely, he could not. I will not be one of those ex’s that will try to come back. I am done and gone for good. Hope he is happy with what he produced and what he gave up.