It started out as a movie, just something to pass the time as I was in need of some down time for lack of sleep. The name of the movie, Fallen. As I’m watching it, I start to recall some of the events and how it seemed so familiar to me. I figured it out about half way through and it was because I had read the Fallen book series. Extremely good series, well written and had a total of 4 books. I was about 25 or 26 when I first came across them and that was a time in my life where I was vulnerable emotionally. I became so wrapped up in the books I read, I’d sit for hours and days even until I finished a whole clump of them. They took me away to a place and time so I did not have to face reality anymore. I hated reality because I knew it would never give me the ultimate love I was in need of. So from then until this very point, I went searching for it. The magical romance, the loyalty and trust. A love so deep and true it had to have been from long ago. I kept myself in a fairy tale of lies seeking something that is just not real.
From the moment I finished the last book in the series, I insisted my long lost love was out there. It was a love that I had for thousands of years. It kept reoccurring over and over, until at last one day my “one” and I would get it right. We would always find each other and become as much in love as we were the day we parted. The way we held on to each other and the strength we had together was unstoppable. All would envy what we had and many would fail trying to again even a piece of it. The “one” and I knew so much about the other. Nothing was held secret because nothing would split us apart. Almost like it was a curse put on us centuries ago so that we would part in hopes of some evil force trying to keep us that way. Yet because your love was so strong, we would find one another and be happy. Our faith and loyalty were blinding and the trust we had for the other kept us close after the initial first meet. The “one” would protect and cherish me every day. He would pick me up when I fell and hold me close when I need his strength. I would never leave his side, following him into hell itself if that was his choice, knowing he would do the same for me.
Now I see, it’s all just a way to escape. I have never been one to live in reality, it is too painful. I try to leave as much as I can. This time I left for far too long it seems. I push my dreams way in front and that has backfired for the last 12-13 years. That is a very long time to be trapped in a world of magic and disbelief. Now with my head and brain screwed on correctly I have a clear vision of what the hell is wrong! I have truly believed that there is someone for everyone. No this is wrong and I’ll tell you why. It is about tolerance and nothing more. There is o blinding love. There is no fairy tale ending. And there certainly is no “one”! When a relationship starts it is about whether or not each can tolerate what the other has to offer. No one is infallible, we all are human and make so many mistakes. I have been putting my dreams and expectations into these men and have been let down most times. It is because I have been caught in my own mind where I did not want to see what was right before me. I have destroyed most all my relationships because I have been expecting this dream love to come popping out of the sky and sweep me off my feet. This just is not real, it does not happen. It takes work to stay in a relationship and by no means is any party going to live up to all the other wants, hopes for, and desires. So it is what we choose we can tolerate as opposed to something that is make believe.
I was foolish to think there could and ever was a “one” for me to sink madly in love with. I laugh at myself knowing how childish I have been, even in my aging years. I am wide awake and see it for what it is. A mutual respect and tolerance to live life with another so one can be the witness to the other.